Dreams

I had a very lovely dream today, well last nigt to be specific and I just had to write it because I want savor the feeling of it and remember it evry time (not that it's the very first good dream I had in my 21 years of existence).

Let me start with.....

I was in a room full of people and we were obliged to present a dance number and was divided into 3 groups, I forgot the songs we danced to but the point is we won, thanks to my mentor whom I'm about to share to you (we've known each other for quite a long time already, in my dream).

This mentor was giving me looks that can see through one's soul (that deep haha). So as I went out the room, he approached me  and was, you know, talking about stuffs (usually things that meant a guy's into you). Then his phone rang, so he and I bid our goodbyes. He must've thought I would be following him (imagining that scene, I thought at that very moment that he was very used of girls following him) except me which amazed him. I looked at him just as he looked back on me again, and then I turned left (not the way I usually take when I head home). I swear to God his look was very priceless, he was shocked and eventually turned back to follow me instead. I thought he'd just stop at the corner just to see where I'll turn next, realising that I won't be chasing him like a dog chases it's tail, he stopped talking to his phone and got his full attention. He ran towards me, panting, and started talking to me. He said he wanted to walk me home just so he knows I'm safe.

We had a very lovely time to be honest. We walked along the shores of  luscious beach then we stopped at a gate. I assume he's not allowed to go out of the premises for the security officer stopped him. But he didn't, he insisted and said he'd be like 4 hours outside and made sure he'll come back (I think he's sort of in a high position and a very busy man). We then made our way through a warm, breezy path, full of tress with fresh wind blowing on our faces (I can actually still feel everything at this very moment). Then we reeached a very busy highway for I had to ride my way home from there,   we then met an influential person, a friend of his and introduced me as his girlfriend (a shocker I know but I'll tell you why he ended up saying I'm his girl). All through the way, our conversation went like this:

Him: I was wondering why you didn't follow me...
Me: I was also quite wondering why you followed me too.
Him: Well, that's because you're different. I assume you'd chase me just like all the other girls did.
Me: Hah! I'm sorry to inform you I'm not one of them. I'm tired chasing men you know, it's just not my priority at the moment.
Him: I know, that's what I like about you. But I felt like you've been wounded, scorched even.
Me: I was. I'm a bit scared of having relationships now, you know. All the drama, and heartaches, that's too much for me already. I only had one yes but the pain was unbearable and i don't wanna go through it all over again (I was amazed he listened to every single word I said).
Him: That's what I thought. But i would like to tell you not to generalize. I mean not everyone is the same stupid guy who broke your heart. There's always someone out ther who'd treat you differently. I for one will.
Me: (looks at him, smiled) Haha that's what every guy says. But i just don't have the time for that. I still have lots of dreams to fulfill, my dreams. I want to make myself happy and stop thinking about making others happy, you know what I mean? It's just I'm emotionally drained. I gave everything, I gave all the love I had at that time and I think nothing's left for me. That's where I was wrong.
Him: (saw me teary-eyed) no please, stop. I can't imagine what you went through. But I promise, I will take care of you. You don't have to do the same now, just take your own pace. I will be here, waiting. I don't want to rush you.
Me: (I smiled) Thank you. Where were you at that time? haha I should have met you instead of that guy.
Him: Everything has its moments, I guess. At the right time, I will come to you, well I did now? (he chuckles)
Me: You know I won't be spending much time for you right? I mean I have school, and that's on top of my priority.
Him: Yes I know. I'll come to you. If you just allow yourself to let me help you heal.... and maybe if you want, I can take you to school and then bring you home so you don't have to commute.
Me: Hmmm  yeah I guess you're right. I think I'm punishing myself too much for another person's mistake. So maybe I'd give it another try... so yes.
Him: what do you mean yes?? you mean like be mine?
Me: I said Iwill give it a try. i don't want to keep your hopes up.
Him: Oh my!!!! yeah don't worry I won't rush you! yes! i can take you to dinners and stuffs. yes (calms down) but okay yes. Take your time.. ( that's when his friend drove by)

By that, we bid our temporary goodbyes, knowing we'll see each other again the very next day...

And suddenly I woke up. What's disappointing is that i never saw his face. i mean I did, but I can't remember what his face looked like. Everything was very vivid except for his face, its blurry.

One thing I learned though. Maybe I should.... stop myself from being too tight. I mean I rhink i need to loosen up a bit like accept the idea of being inlove is just right in the corner or maybe the next block. The point is I have to stop punishing myself, put the locks away and soften, not that I should indulge to committing in a relationship right there and then but just too see the ligh at the end of the tunnel. As my uncle said, I should prioritise my golf balls and focus on them. Life is one heck of a journey, it's a series of falling down, full of them actually, but what matters most is you stand up and fight again.



E.M.B.C

Letting it Go...

It is still midnight and I am still wide awake. I can't help thinking about the relationship I've had that ended for like a year now. Yet I still have this stinging sensation that I can't seem to get off of my system.

I do not know who else am I gonna talk to because it seems like just having this thing to write on is the only outlet that I've got and I badly need it to let this out just like the song that goes "Let it go, let it go, cant hold it back anymore..."

All I've been doing for these past few months is do everything I can to move on with my life and get back on track. Well, as far as everyone is concerned I am really doing great in my studies as a civil engineering student in University of Mindanao. And another good thing that happened was I am having good relations with my mom and dad again. So I guess evrything is going back to normal... but I just still feel that empty space within. I dont know what but i cant seem to fill it up. Maybe because of that breakup, that first and hopefully the last that I'm gonna encounter for the rest of my life. It really hurts, I think it still does at this very moment and guess it's insanse thinking it's been over a year now. People kept on telling me that I am a new person now and I have been receiving comments that I really have changed a lot... for the better. Though deep inside I'm still holding on to something that should have been long forgotten.

Let me take you a few insights about what I was 3 years ago. The Edna everyone new was full of dreams, happy, cheerful, good girl, plumpy or other anti kindness person would rather use fat, addicted to happy endings, masochist, full of love, rebellious, gives it all when she loves and any other stupid, dumb, romeo-juliet love fanatic kind of girl. I really believed that fairy tales does exist, that someone will just sweep you right off your feet kind of romance, believed that happy endings does exist and believed, hoped, wished, prayed that the first guy I love would be the last but unfortunately, I woke up from this nonsense dream. Everything that I believed and hoped just crashed and got broken, I was broken.. tremendously. I did not expect this, at all. Everything that I dreamed for just vanished, he popped it like a bubble. I was crushed, wounded, that I felt like he was slowly killing me though it feels like literally he was. I never would have thought that this would happen. I was ruined, the way that I can describe the feeling is that your heart is about to burst out of your chest though scientifically it really was releasing some kind of substance that last for like I dont know a while? but yeah it sure does hurt a lot. And it changed me too, from the way I talk, think, my perception about love and the looks. For the looks, it came out positively like hell yeah who's that girl kind of hotness (not trying to come out narcissistic). As for the talk and think, well I became mature enough and i can give advice well can even be called as Dr. Love per se. I became aware of what i think and say especially about guys and towards them. And for the perception about love, it came out urmm negatuvely I guess? I was not the dependent and clingy girl anymore. I don't even believe in love anymore. When I can sense that a guy likes me, I really make a way for them to dislike me or worse... avoid contact! It's just that love is like a fantasy, it doesn't exist for me anymore. It's definitely not real for me (yes yes I know its too negative) but I was shattered, I'm excused though right? I'm actually scared about getting hurt and going through with the same kind of pain again. Its not just worth it crying over for a guy who's a jerk, well all guys are jerks to me anyway. When I see one cute guy, I eventually find their flaws after a while and think they're just not worth it. I'm just really scared. I experienced excruciating pain and I don't want to go through it again. 

It scarred me for life and I don't know how am I gonna cope up. I'm a changed woman now. I dont care what anyone says. This is me now. This is the new me. Love changed me into someone that doesn't believe in it anymore. So if anyone doesn't like me I don't care, dont blame me, blame love. It left me. I believed in it with all my life, hopes and dreams, but then it failed me. If it failed me the first time around, there's also a great chance that it will fail me again the second time and it's not just worth taking. I only have one goal now and that is becoming the greatest engineer ever existed! And I will do whatever it takes to get to the top.

~E.M.B.C

Celebrity Morph by MyHeritage

MyHeritage: Celebrity Morph - Free genealogy

L-O-V-E

LOVE...

I was sitting by the window looking at two birds flying together and couples holding hands walking together, I was wondering do birds feel love? do animals show love? and I was thinking how do you know its love?

well, as far as I know, whenever I ask friends how do you know its love they would answer, "you know it's love when you can't eat, can't sleep, can't think clearly and can't leave him/her." Don't they know that when you can't eat its not love but infatuation, when you can't sleep it's obsession, can't think clearly its just admiration, and when you can't leave him/her even when you don't love him/her anymore, it's not love, its pity...

LOVE is a feeling where you know that impossible can be possible, a feeling where you can use it as inspiration, a feeling that makes you smile at simple things. Love can be in seen in different ways, either verbally, mentally, physically and spiritually. You know its love when you seem to do everything for him/her, not for your own sake and benefit but for others. Its love when you sacrifice your own happiness for the happiness of your love. Love is not looking at the physical appearance but on the personality and the inner beauty that a person possess.

Other people seem to be afraid of falling in love for they might get hurt. But for ours to know, love is always taking risks, you won't know what will happen for you haven't even tried giving that person a chance to love you. Love is a total package, you'll experience hurt, sadness and joy. You won't know its love unless you experience pain from love, like you can't tell your happy without being lonely.

Love conquers all. Love without boundaries, accepts differences and the greatest gift you can ever give to someone. Love can make you cross borders, climb mountains and be on the other face of the earth.

1 Corinthians 13:7-9 "Love is patient, kind. It is never jealous nor rude."

a very depressing and mind-blowing day today, not just today. but with this kind of life its like everyday... i feel like i'm gonna cry, give-in to the moment which is not totally agreeable... its like everything that's happening is opposing me, against on things that i wanted to happen,m 'cause that's what other people says that i can't disobey... and everything seems falling apart, and i can't do something about it. I'm so confused, what i want, what i really want..

I really don't know what i'm gonna do. cause people would get disappointed 'cause they expected so much in me, that i couldn't afford making one single mistake.. now that everything's been ruined! i have no one to tell no one to run to... everything's mixed up. am i really that perfect that I haven't given the chance to make one mistake.. the time to decide for my future and for my life??? they're expecting so much that I can't

Halloween

its November 1... Halloween has begun.. the freaky, creepy nights. endless scaaaary stories and the weird noises you heard (though i know, its just in your mind). TRICK or TREAT timeee!!! November is not just about the things that ive mentioned its about visiting our love ones that passed away, now in the arms of God... making us remember that once in our life, they have shared their joys their moments with us. that without them we'd be nowhere... nothing.. at all. November 1 is also the time that families far from each other are reunited... sharing pains, and covering them with laughter. its the time wherein we, feel the emptiness again... of not having our parted love ones anymore. some people feel the stinging, heart breaking thing when they visit the cemetery, remembering the times that they've spent from each other. but as we know... we must still live, be happy, live our lives. its not right to get stuck on the corner, still weeping, as if your blaming yourself why'd it happened to them... coz' I know and we all know that God has a plan for us. He know what's BEST for us, at the right time and at the right place... so as I speak, LIFE must go on... HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

You Complete Me...

For 9 months in your womb you carried,
When got wounded, you're the most worried,
With all your strength, to us you loved and cared,
To give us harm, no one ever dared.

You always fight for our rights,
In every darkness you give us lights,
When made mistakes you reaprimand,
But then carress our faces by your loving hand.

It's so untrue we don't love you,
Cause' in our hearts we do love you too,
We're so sorry if we made problems,
But when your happy, we're so overwhelmed.

You're always patient and humble to us,
That you're so proud when we're top in class,
You're very prompt whenever we call,
That you were there in all our downfall.

I'm so delighted that you're my mom,
In all our trials, you always come,
We all love you, you just can't see,
And I'm so prud to say, YOU complete ME...