I do not know who else am I gonna talk to because it seems like just having this thing to write on is the only outlet that I've got and I badly need it to let this out just like the song that goes "Let it go, let it go, cant hold it back anymore..."
All I've been doing for these past few months is do everything I can to move on with my life and get back on track. Well, as far as everyone is concerned I am really doing great in my studies as a civil engineering student in University of Mindanao. And another good thing that happened was I am having good relations with my mom and dad again. So I guess evrything is going back to normal... but I just still feel that empty space within. I dont know what but i cant seem to fill it up. Maybe because of that breakup, that first and hopefully the last that I'm gonna encounter for the rest of my life. It really hurts, I think it still does at this very moment and guess it's insanse thinking it's been over a year now. People kept on telling me that I am a new person now and I have been receiving comments that I really have changed a lot... for the better. Though deep inside I'm still holding on to something that should have been long forgotten.
Let me take you a few insights about what I was 3 years ago. The Edna everyone new was full of dreams, happy, cheerful, good girl, plumpy or other anti kindness person would rather use fat, addicted to happy endings, masochist, full of love, rebellious, gives it all when she loves and any other stupid, dumb, romeo-juliet love fanatic kind of girl. I really believed that fairy tales does exist, that someone will just sweep you right off your feet kind of romance, believed that happy endings does exist and believed, hoped, wished, prayed that the first guy I love would be the last but unfortunately, I woke up from this nonsense dream. Everything that I believed and hoped just crashed and got broken, I was broken.. tremendously. I did not expect this, at all. Everything that I dreamed for just vanished, he popped it like a bubble. I was crushed, wounded, that I felt like he was slowly killing me though it feels like literally he was. I never would have thought that this would happen. I was ruined, the way that I can describe the feeling is that your heart is about to burst out of your chest though scientifically it really was releasing some kind of substance that last for like I dont know a while? but yeah it sure does hurt a lot. And it changed me too, from the way I talk, think, my perception about love and the looks. For the looks, it came out positively like hell yeah who's that girl kind of hotness (not trying to come out narcissistic). As for the talk and think, well I became mature enough and i can give advice well can even be called as Dr. Love per se. I became aware of what i think and say especially about guys and towards them. And for the perception about love, it came out urmm negatuvely I guess? I was not the dependent and clingy girl anymore. I don't even believe in love anymore. When I can sense that a guy likes me, I really make a way for them to dislike me or worse... avoid contact! It's just that love is like a fantasy, it doesn't exist for me anymore. It's definitely not real for me (yes yes I know its too negative) but I was shattered, I'm excused though right? I'm actually scared about getting hurt and going through with the same kind of pain again. Its not just worth it crying over for a guy who's a jerk, well all guys are jerks to me anyway. When I see one cute guy, I eventually find their flaws after a while and think they're just not worth it. I'm just really scared. I experienced excruciating pain and I don't want to go through it again.
It scarred me for life and I don't know how am I gonna cope up. I'm a changed woman now. I dont care what anyone says. This is me now. This is the new me. Love changed me into someone that doesn't believe in it anymore. So if anyone doesn't like me I don't care, dont blame me, blame love. It left me. I believed in it with all my life, hopes and dreams, but then it failed me. If it failed me the first time around, there's also a great chance that it will fail me again the second time and it's not just worth taking. I only have one goal now and that is becoming the greatest engineer ever existed! And I will do whatever it takes to get to the top.
~E.M.B.C
